the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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