Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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