Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
