I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
