Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Quick, to the slutcave!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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