whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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