Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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