Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
