My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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