Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
