What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
