tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
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