every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
