I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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