this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Randomize
