That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
