I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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