went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
