my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
