brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
