Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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