i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
