she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
