can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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