We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
