i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
