My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Randomize
