i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
