I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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