I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
