You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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