i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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