Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
