I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
