he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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