sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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