4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
