sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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