A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
