you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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