i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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