It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize