Weren't you self-described as an 'arab' slut?
No?
Well my cheeks are red now
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
