he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
