I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
