listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Randomize
