Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
