Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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