she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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