He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
