why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
