We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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