Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
