Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Randomize
